Can you learn me how to love?
by travisnitrogen
Summary: Bruce Banner is stranded during a blizzard...and he meets a stranger. What sorts of occurrences will this encounter bring? Only time will tell. Rated M for smut in later chapters. PS Don't grill me too hard guys, this is my first time writing fanfiction ever.


It was cold enough to snow, so Bruce Banner knew it was pretty fucking cold. "Fucking Colorado," Banner grumbled to himself, "this all looks the same. It's all looked the same for the past two miles. I can't even see anything. I'm so done." He pauses, coming upon a relevating scientific epiphany. He wipes the snow off of his glasses and is suddenly able to see all the obstacles in his way. "Great job, Banner. You've landed yourself in the middle of a snowstorm. This is neither scientific nor great for your mental health." He stops, thinking. "Perhaps it could be considered scientific. However, this is not the time for science." He cringes at the harshness of his own words. Or perhaps at the harshness of the snow.

After hours of wondering the desolate, horrid climate of Colorado, Banner comes across a cave. Once inside, he whispers to himself, "Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty and raging fury." He then proceeds to fart. The sound generated by the passing of Banner's gas startles something. Shifting can be heard from inside the cave, followed by the soft pitter-patter of plush feet. Banner straightens up. "Hello," he calls out. "Is someone else in here?"

Minutes pass. There is no response. Banner shrugs it off, deeming it to be a figment of his imagination. After awhile, Banner manages to start a fire. "Ah-hah. So it turns out I have retained some of my more scientific memories from girl scouts." He makes a mental memo to brag to Stark about this. Starting a fire in a cave in Colorado definitely beats out Stark's infamous "this one time in death camp" story.

The light generated from the fire reveals that Banner is not alone in this cave. Huddled in the corner is a soft, pink creature. "Oh, in the name of science, what-" Banner backs away from his fire. The pink asbesto did not back down.

The asbesto spoke up. The voice that rang out was not one that you would expect from something so bulbous and pink. It was that of a grown African American man. "Hey there whitey, just what do you think you're doing?" Dr. Banner found himself to be strangely aroused. It was time for him to put the moves on this abomination.

"Just searching for something...and I think I've found it," Banner said Jewishly. He winked at the blob, which was beginning to look more and more appealing. It was comparable in attraction to your attraction to the cast of the House Bunny at the beginning of the movie and your attraction at the end.

The flushed cheeseball picked up on the hint right away. He began to approach Banner. "Relax," he coaxed. "I'm not going to hurt you." As Banner heard this, he cringed and turned away. The gelatinous mass paused. "What is it? Did I say something? Sorry, next time I'll tag my post with a trigger warning."

"No, it's not that," Banner whispered. He turned to face his lover. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you." The pinkie Majin Buu lookin' motherfucker scoffs at this. "What?"

"I have engulfed entire men in one swallow, sir. I don't believe you know who you're talking to. As we speak I am likely being tracked by the government. I am a highly dangerous criminal, and I'm on the run. My kind has been opressed and kept under lock for thousands of years. I'm just trying to break the chain." Banner is shocked into silence by this. "I'm a very dangerous man. I don't believe you know who you're dealing with. Also, I have gas, thus putting us both in grave danger." He motions towards the fire. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that farts and fire don't mix."

Bruce almost laughs at the irony in everything the bubbling enigma in front of him has said. He feels butterflies in his stomach. Pushing past the gas, he kneels down in front of his partner. "I don't think you understand who you're dealing with." He takes his hand. Rather, what could be interpreted as a hand. It's more of a fin, like what a penguin has. It's rather disgusting, soft and gumlike. Almost like silly putty, but more pourous. "This is rather funny," Banner says, chuckling as if he were told a joke that was funny. "I don't even know your name."

"Call be Kirby," Kirby whispered sensually. He would have batted his eyelashes, but the author isn't even fucking sure if Kirby has eyelids.

"Beautiful," Banner responds. "I'm Bruce...Bruce Banner." He leans in closer.

"I know who you are," Kirby says. This makes Banner pause. "What is it, Bruce? What troubles-" Kirby is caught off as the violent storm begins to pick up. The dangerous conditions outside block the exit to the cave. "Fucking Colorado," Kirby exclaims. He pulls away from Banner immediately.

The shock from the sudden change in weather causes Banner to Hulk out. It's sort of like when the werewolves from Twilight go through their metamorphisis, but a lot less graceful with about as much digital rendering.

"Ah, yes...there is no reasoning with him now. It looks like I must grab the bull by the horns...or in this case...grab the giant green man by his-" Kirby is, thankfully, unable to finish his analogy as Banner steps on him. Flattened, Kirby pops up from the ground. "Wow, rude. Oh well. I suppose it's my time to shine." He opens his mouth and engulfs Banner. A strange new power rages inside Kirby. Though, he knows he can control it. "Ah, yes," Kirby whispers. "Budapest."

Unlike most transformations, the mass of the Hulk had caused Kirby to grow in size. Kirby's growth would be comparable to that of the Grinch's heart, had the Grinch's heart grown twenty times it's original size and bursted out of his chest.

Hulkby began to beat it's way out of the cave. It destroyed everything in it's path. Had civilians been around, they would have documented this moment. But we're talking about Colorado, which is inhabited by snowmen and fourth graders.

**to be continued... **


End file.
